Friday, 18 December 2009


This isn't my final draft, but I'm thinking I'm sending this off to Stepanie Meyer. :)

Dear Ms Meyer,

I’m going to be blunt. Your ‘twilight’ series is easily the worst piece of literature I’ve ever come across. Ernest Hemmingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald and J.K Rowling.

When I was reading the first book in your collection, it got to the stage when halfway through I lost the will to live. Not in the ‘I want to be a vampire and live forever in an un-dead kind of way’, in a sort of ‘I would rather tear out my own eyes and slowly bleed to death than read another word of this shit’.

Reasons why your book is shit: you cannot write, Meyer, you just can’t. Face it. I understand you want to write from the point of view of a whiny teenage girl (which, to be fair, you do very well, Bella is whiny and incredibly annoying, which many teenage girls are) but a whiny teenage girl who uses words such as ‘irrevocably’. The only person I know to talk like that has much more sense than to get turned on by dead guys. You have over-used your thesaurus; quite a few of your sentences make no sense. I’d find you an example, but quite simply I can’t be fucked to get up. J Also, you use the word ‘and’ way to much ‘and I felt this, and Edward did this and then Edward did that and and and…’ etc. Also, well done for ruining vampires for the world. They used to be scary but cool villans. Now they're gay little creatures that sparkle a bit in the sun. They are supposed to catch fire. That's way more fun.
I’d also like to point out Bella comes across as a participant of necrophilia. She only seems to be interested in guys who are super powered vampires or werewolves who never put their shirt on.

I’m writing you this letter to ask you for my time back. I’m never going to get this time back I’ve spent wasting reading your bollocks, Stephanie, but if you could find some way to give me my time back that’d be much appreciated.

Yours Sincerely, Catherine Barkley, aged 17 years and 10 months